In getting to that: Tonight was an absolute disaster. I've been beaten (this isn't used for dramatic purposes; he basically just 'whipped me with his sweater when he was irrationally angry. Still hurt, however, hence me referencing it, I'm a strong bitch, and thought "bring it, you abusive fuck" "Leave scars, I'll just take you to court on the 30th". 'Twas 'bout an hr & .5 ago, but for the hour before that I had been suggesting he was intoxicated and didn't deserve more than me. It ended up in a light abuse festival.

He later ended up hung-over. I've already emptied his puke buckets (just as he has done for me in the past.) However I do resent the lying and false premise that led up to me crying/blocking the door which he would have exited out of to go visit his crazy-ass mom. If he had done this we both would have had to deal with the reprocousins (cant spell) of his drunk actions... I'm not one to judge, (Non-existant supreme being) God knows I've tried to make this work, but when things like this get to this point, it's all too painfully reminiscent of the Josh and David phases. Never in my life do I ever want to revisit that shit. I told this to Adam, and he kinda just ended up spitting it in my face (to reiterate the drama, there was actual spit in my face) for the fact that he ripped my 'forever 21' skirt to basically useless material, and my black flip-flops to something I wont be able to wear w/o some serious 'surgery' with superglue. I'm so mad at him.. but I can't be, because he'll leave me. I love him, I need him (not just financially), and he exploits that on a regular basis, and almost guaranteed when it is something that he can pin between me and him. I don't think I've ever felt so close, or been through so much with someone, but at this point, I feel totally exploited/unrespected or un-appreciated. All of such insults are bound to be spit back at me at any time that he reads this, and we are on less-than-friendly terms.

I wish he would respect me. Maybe the blow-jobs are the problem. I mean if some guy were to 'eat me out' I would be more inclined to appreciate him. An assumption here, but I think the opposite is true in oral sex with men. Maybe this has been my downfall. I give him blow-jobs day after day. It's been months since I've felt his tongue. I'm not expecting it, because that's selfish... I just wish he'd want to reciprocate. I don't get that impression about a lot of things. I think he thinks I owe him for the rest of my life.

So when I sneak alcohol, I feel like it's something I am doing for myself and pray to (proverbial, more realistically, the moral & ethical) God, about everything to work out, but it never does. No matter what my execution, no matter how soon I admit my fallacy, or my level of sincere guilt; unconditionally it fucks me in the ass. I want so bad to be honest the moment I fuck up, but whether I admit my mistake the moment after it happens or the day after, everything goes to hell, just as it did tonight.

Tonight requires a precision dissection if we are to figure out who was at fault here. As far as I know, and if I'm wrong, PLEASE, leave me a comment, I did find a 40 fl.oz of OE under the cabnet, and I did NOT know where it came from. Part of me thought my boyfriend was setting me up here, because I opened it to put away our bottle deposits (Yessm, very poor), I found it. I'd been following the rules for over a week. It wasn't easy, but I want to get on the right path again. I found it, I drank it, basically w/i a 1/2 hr.

He relayed signals that he was on to me throughout the day, afterwards. That day we had to return library books, then we were hungry, stopped at Subway (where Adam made a price-lessly funny joke, that is now forever tarnished, same premise as this entry), then went to Panera Bread to play a few games of chess and read. I guess this whole day was ruined for him because he had a very subtle guess that I was less than sober.